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Monday, November 26th, 2007
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Is it me? Am I prone to sadnes? Do I have this magnet inside me that just brings total and complete sadness right to me no matter what I do?
I can never have a true smile on my face... I don't remember the last time I actually smiled
Well the 7th has now become the 4th so in 1 week
Peace out patrick... ill miss you
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1 Conversations Been Conversations Been .x.Dead On Arrival.x.
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Wednesday, October 24th, 2007
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| Time: | 9:59 am. |
| Mood: |  numb. |
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im never felt so blatenly backstabbed before in my life
this year,,, i wont be having a birthday
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.x.Dead On Arrival.x.
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Monday, September 24th, 2007
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i never thought id be at the place that i am right now in my life. i never thought id be so happy and so comfortable. i've finally learned and made myself ween out the people who put a negative effect on my life. becuase of that ionly have a few close friends/ trust worthy people but id rather that then alot of fake friends. im doing really good in school and im finally sticking with what i really wanna do. i never ever thought that things at home would be good but its better then ever. ive finally learned to appreciate my mom and she has learned to listen and trust me instead of jsut yelling and beating me. i have a boyfriend who truly makes me better for myself, hes my other half. hes taught me to blieve in myself and everything could be worse. i dont know what im going to do without him when he leaves for 9 months every year. its going to be soo hard but 1345 days and itll all be over with.
i went threw my midlife crisis the other day. i was "hangging out" with marvin and my biggest fear in life hit me hard. i know everyone always says " they dont want to grow up" " i wanna be a kid forever". i learned that i am absolutely terrified ofgrowing up. i cant do it. i cant imagine being my mothers age looking back and saying " remember 20 years ago when...." i cant imagine myself with kids not hangging out with my friends every night. i cant imagine when everyone starts to move away and get married and break apart. all my life ive always wanted to move to california and live the rest of my life there... i now realize if i was to do that i wouldnt talk to more then half te people i do now. i cant imagine living my life without rebecca or marvin. or even nick .they have been thru absolutely everything with me. i dont have a memory that doesnt involve one or both or all 3 of them. I CAN NOT IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT MY FATHER!!!!... i know that one day hes going to get old and pass away but every time i think of it i shake and cry. i can never imagine him not being around. i cant imagine not having my mother to fall back on when something goes wrong..... idk if im crazy or logical but ive have been non stop thkning about this for atleast 3 weeks now.... what do u think?
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1 Conversations Been Conversations Been .x.Dead On Arrival.x.
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Monday, August 13th, 2007
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| Time: | 12:49 pm. |
| Mood: |  pissed off. |
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alot of shit has changed this these past few weeks... alot of weirdness and stuff out of the ordinary that just can not be explained in words
ive givin up on other people... im happier alone i can not name one person that hasnt stabbed me in the back this summer
but life is life and you cant change people as much as you want to
im just having fun with my fiancee and no one can ever take him awy from me <3
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.x.Dead On Arrival.x.
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so tonight i had an epiphany( or however u spell it)
let me start by saying im not a religious person at all ive always said that i dont believe in god i just believe thier is a higher power
with that said i had a horrible few days and my life is pritty much at a stop and i dont know how to change it... so i go where i always go when i need to think ( east haven beach) and while i was there i see this photo shoot going on and im thiking to myself thats odd... so i go to sit in the lifeguard chair like i always do and it starts to rain ( i dont mind rain at all its just rain its not going to kill me) but for some reason i moved to the benches... i look over at this photo shoot and my friend christina is there so i go and say hi or whatever and it stops raining... i talk for a few minutes then go back to the bench... christina comes over and im telling her about how its weird that shes doing a photo shoot ive always wanted to be a photograpgher but my teacher told me i shouldnt be... she goes...
"you should ever let someone tell you you cant be what you what to be.... your a very artsy girl its in your blood if you've always wanted to do it you should still do it... give me a call and ill help you ill hook you up with proper training and photo shoots"
she leaves and since its not rainning anymore i go back to the life guard chair and im thinking to myself... i always let people tell me what is right for me what i should do with my life and i always listen to people when they say im not good enough.
at that moment i look up into the sky and say..
"god, i know i dont beleive in you but make me believe help me.. what am i suppose to do with my life? where am i suppose to go? who can i trust? who can i not trust?"
that is when the sky opens and the sun shines on just me.... nothing else but me and the chair im sitting in and i start to cry.. so i repeat "what am i suppose to do"
the clouds come in and it starts to rain... i think to myself there is no way that i can go home i hate my home.... and it rains harder and harder and i look up again and i go "is this a sign? are you trying to tell me something?" then it starts to down pour and lighting starts striking so i go " fine ill go home" i come home... and it stops rainning
idk what to take of this but all i know is i definitly believe in god now and i beleive that my life is going to change for the better more sooner then later
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1 Conversations Been Conversations Been .x.Dead On Arrival.x.
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Wednesday, March 28th, 2007
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one good thing about this stupid livejournal is not one person pays attention to it so i can say whatever the fuck i want
im killing myself soon... i cant take shit anymore its rediculous i cant think of more then one person that if i was to call them right now they would be thier for me... cuz my best friend is at college my best guy friend sitched me for a psycho girl who all he ever does is bitch about and my best firend is either at school or at work.... and thats it i cant think of anyone else and thats the worst feleingin the world so im pritty much here for nothing so im done with it
i cant staay in this house and i wanna use evreything here to kill myself with and i was jsut driving in my car and i litterally got 10 feet before i wanted to start speeding over a cliff so i cant stay home but i cant leave my house i have no idea what thier is for me to do
after almost 20 years u think your parents being divorced wouldnt be a big deal anymore welli was wrong... cuz now you become "mature enough" to know the real story and ur old enough to go threw the pain u should of gone threw years ago...
so this is my final plee to evreyone who will never read this... bye
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3 Conversations Been Conversations Been .x.Dead On Arrival.x.
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Wednesday, March 14th, 2007
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Well yes I guss coming bacl to this wasn't the best idea but it is a good thing to do when your bored right now I'm at my best friendand me x boyfriends band practice but my x isn't here haha I'm herbin I love herb he's a good man
So my life has taken a lot of downs and a few ups since my last post..... that perfect kid is now my boyfriend and it made someone very close to me hate me =/
I hate when something you've been waitting for happens when ur life takes a dramtic turn for the worst in that situation
But I have amazing friends who keep me sane..... my family right now consits of becca marvin and ashley and I wouldn't have it any other way there def my life support and many reasons y I'm still alive haha
Its weird how you meet people in life... its weird knowing that their was someone out there for so long that u never knew that is exactly like u.... its weird how much I stay in contact with people from my high school my biggest fear was that I'd lose the friends I made their like I lost my st francis family but I still talk to a few people from their but not nearly as close as how many from sound
That was a total rant haha sorry everyone haha
I LOVE AND MISS ERIC PETERSON!!!!!!!!
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6 Conversations Been Conversations Been .x.Dead On Arrival.x.
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| Time: | 9:17 am. |
| Mood: |  drained. |
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when it rains it pours thats definitly the perfect way to explain my life
- my hates me wants me out of the house
- i said mean things to my best friend that i thought were true but now i know weren't
- i started liking a boy who is by definition PERFECT! but of course hes talking to 2 other girls becuase thats jsut my luck
- my job by definition SUCKSSSSSSSS BALLLLLSSSSSSS
i need a complete life change around and i really need to start thinking about where im headed and where i want to go in life... my 20th birthday is right arouund the corner and i rememeber the day my brother turned 20... i said he was sooo old and id never make it that old... funny how thingsa seem so far away and unrealistic when your so young
im going to chicago with megan and nikki and even tho its going to definitly be a life breaking adventure... i cant fucking wait i need it more then anything
12 hours with nothing but me... my car... and open road
when im driving with no destination with my music soo loud and my heat blaring on my face.... that is when im truly most happy
" 600 miles with no destination, except to get in the car and drive and see where we'll end up. you gotta stop and rememeber, your not gunna live forever. have fun. stay smart. be true and dont ever grow up!"
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2 Conversations Been Conversations Been .x.Dead On Arrival.x.
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Thursday, January 25th, 2007
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i honestly thought that this livejournal thing was dead but recently ive just been feeling like writting alot down and i figure why not start this "trend" up again
if anyone is still on this comment me (comment.. haha... soo usto that myspace bullshit)
anyways, my life has been shit recently. i hate my job, i hate my stalker x bf, i hate my house
i miss rebecca soo much
the only thing i ever thinka bout is where i can party next... sadly enough it keeps me sane
on that note i gotta go take a shot
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2 Conversations Been Conversations Been .x.Dead On Arrival.x.
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Monday, November 14th, 2005
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| Time: | 10:10 pm. |
| Mood: | crappy. |
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nick didnt get the job and i think im more upset then he is
i wanted to work with him SOOOOO bad
i miss the shit out of him
i went to the doctors and i have phnemonia
whtich means i wanst allowed to go to work today
whitch means i wasnt there for bills last day
whitch means ill never see him again
whitch also means i might not be able to go to homecoming or do ANYTHING
for weeks
i realized this was the first year i didnt ahve a boyfriend for my brithday
or for the winter time
ever since 8th grade ive had a boyfriend every winter :-(
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5 Conversations Been Conversations Been .x.Dead On Arrival.x.
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Saturday, November 12th, 2005
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| Time: | 1:06 pm. |
| Mood: |  chipper. |
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things have been going to great recently
im gettting threw the first week of being 18
(eventho i was sick the whole time)got my Rubububecca back and were hotter then ever!
been spending ever spare moment i have with my best friend
started to realize i dont need a boyfriend in order to be happy
im having so much fun without one
i actaully started talking to nicka gain adn its not as bad as i thoguht it would be
im just done with the drama i dont care if what i found out is true or a lie.. doesnt matter anymore
i love work and now two of the BEST people got hired there
Sean McCague and Nicholas Andrejko
o0o0o...... adn im going to homecoming at hamden :-P
supposedly i have a HAWTTTT dateeee ;-)
all and all life is gettin pritty.... DIESEL!
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5 Conversations Been Conversations Been .x.Dead On Arrival.x.
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Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
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Monday, October 31st, 2005
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| Time: | 12:02 am. |
| Mood: | pissed!. |
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Dear you know who you are,
i hate you with every inch of my body. that fact that you can do what you do to me and sit around like its nothing discuss me. if i never saw or talked to you again i would be the happiest perosn ever. you usto be everything to me and now you are a nothing to me and never will be again be something to me. you keep my name out of your mouth adn your head and i hope your happy wiht the choices that you've made. thank you adn peace the fuck out of my life.
Sincerly, Me.
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.x.Dead On Arrival.x.
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Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
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| Time: | 11:49 pm. |
| Mood: | tired. |
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again i say.. fuck that last entry
HES STAYING!!!!!!!!!
my life is sooo perfect except one thing
i fucking miss rebecca donahue soooooo much
::print this out::
coupon for a
1 hour job talking about everything thats bothering us
and a ceaser side salad
:-(
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2 Conversations Been Conversations Been .x.Dead On Arrival.x.
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Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
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| Time: | 12:25 am. |
| Mood: |  crushed. |
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screw that last entry
TONIGHT was the greatest night of my life
ive never so much on cloud nine the way i do right now
the whole ride home i had a smile from ear to ear and tears pouring down my face
because im so glad to have you as a friend in my life but so sad your leaving so quickly
im going to miss you soooooo much you dont even understand
countdown starts now
between 28ish days and 56ish days
happy? birthday to me :-/
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1 Conversations Been Conversations Been .x.Dead On Arrival.x.
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Monday, September 26th, 2005
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Friday, September 16th, 2005
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| Time: | 11:43 am. |
| Mood: | anxious. |
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yeah so im really bored and i havent had an actual update in awhile
college is good i guess....
my frehsman seminar class is a JOKE!
my English class is good but kind of 4th grade
my Seminar class is REDICULAS... the teacher is a freak
my Photo class i am IN LOVE with i made the bestest friend ever
my security class is not like i expected i dont like haivng to remember to go to the sight everyday
i love the freiends ive made recently
Rebcca no one can ever beat :-)
Jeff is like my best friend hes awesome
Neil is my ninja god!!!! he always makes my night
Amanda (snot) is a DOLLLFACEEEE
Mark is HILARIOUS hes amazing
Chris is a trip
Vic is Sooo sweet
i get my new car today...... 96 dodge dynasty :-p..... PiMp!!!
im just happy that my life is starting to come back together again i was getting kind of scared there for a while....
on that note...... Happy Birthday =D
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.x.Dead On Arrival.x.
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nightmares_of_x's journal
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